My self-worth just sank below rock bottom. I just had the sudden realisation on the bus that promo results are coming back next week. So far I have led an extremely decadent lifestyle. Eat, sleep, play com, LAN. The only constructive things I did was to gym and do PW. But it was overall decadent. Turns out I was was just trying to distract myself from reality. Truth is, when promo results come back, there won’t be anything surprising. Probably get all S. Econs: S Maths: S Chem: S Phsics: maybe S GP: S. Problem is, I really studied for promos unlike mid-years. CSSSD for mid-years. Last in class. But I was determined to improve. I studied, attended lectures and did tutorials faithfully but in the end: WTF. Fail again. I counted 45 max for maths. That auto puts me in S range. That’s the 5th time I’ve failed maths. FIFTH TIME!!! Any idea how demoralising it is to fail for the FIFTH TIME??? Especially when everyone is getting As or ppl who get B whining that they should’ve gotten A. Then ppl dun talk to you because they’re afraid they’ll hurt your feelings and stuff. This is FAIL. And I am FAIL!!! Let me list a stuff of my failures and sucesses.
1. Failed Interschools
2. Failed Sailing in general, i wasn’t up to the standard that was set and was a liability
3. Fitness failed, still the most piss-weak sailor
4. Failed Mid-years
5. Failed at keeping fish
6. Failed at gaming (both PC and Xbox)
7. Failed at parkour
8. Failed as an IP student (one of the lowest overall grades and no RM)
9. Failed being a good Christian
10. Failed at outdoor activities (camping, map reading e.t.c)
That’s just 10 of them. Notice that most of the fails are my favourite hobbies? I can’t even do what I like to do well. I’m a jack of all trades. I can do abit of everything but also suck at everything. I don’t have a talent anywhere but weakness aplenty.
I always thought I could make it big. I always tell people I’m going to invent a weapon, patent it and get rich. Now let’s see, I can’t get into ANY of the defence institutions here. DSO and DSTA only take in the top brains. I obviously don’t qualify. I might have alot of ideas but so what? Even the noob FPS gamer also has ideas to offer after being inspired by the com game. Let’s make a rail gun! Let’s build a orbital cannon! Let’s build war mechs! Which idiot can’t say that. Ok, so I don’t join DSO or DSTA. I make my own weapon at home and then get arrested by the police. My goal is gone. It’s GONE! GONE!!! IP teachers often tell us that we’re the future leaders in Singapore in our own fields. I’m probably the exception. I’m pretty much useless. I can’t do what people want and can do what people don’t need. Who needs blu-tack models??? Who needs crazy ideas on how to play a prank on somebody? Who needs somebody like me?
I’ve also told everyone I want to study material science in university. But at the rate I’m going, I’ll probably finish my school life before NS even begins. Bill Gates never finished university but he made it big. But how many others didn’t finish university and failed in life? A SHIT LOAD more than 1.
I might be the biggest IP joke come true. Highest qualification: PSLE. Even so, my PSLE wasn’t very good either.
How far below rock bottom can you go? Only one way to find out. But I don’t want to be the one to find out. i still hope, I still have abit of will, a little fighting spirit, a small bit of honour left. I will try. There’s still the R-papers. I will try again. Interschools on April. I will try again. I hope my little bit of zeal is enough to carry me through. Hope, it’s draining away fast.