Teh Straits Times
ISD to take drastic measures to curb illegal cigarette trading
ISD has decided that it has enough of illegal cigarette trading. Because of the drag net set up to catch Mas Selamat Kastari at the border, many illegal cigarette traffickers were caught . Officials were overwhelmed with the large amounts of cigarettes confiscated. Officials have explained that it is now smoking season which usually accompanies the durian season and the Hungry Ghost Festival and not because they were sleeping on the job before while demanding higher pay for civil servants, hence the large inflow of contraband cigarettes. Well, it seems to be a credible explanation since they ARE our officials whom we fully trust.
A new measure that ISD has taken is to secretly issue matches with sensors. ISD has aptly named its operation ISA 598.45.23 Matchsticks which were doped by ISD will be tipped with sensors, GPS and a camera to take down the face and DNA of the person when he or she strikes the match stick. Collected information will be sent to ISD directly via satellite communication. When the flame from the match burns the cigarette, the sensors will immediately detect the smoke and check its database located in a 128MB flash memory located along the matchstick. Once the sensor detects smoke from a contraband cigarette, it will immediately ring bells in the ISD who will immediately dispatch their Spec Ops team to the smoker’s position with help from GPS, imprison the smoker and interrogate him in order to glean information about the supplier.
"When you want to kill the snake, you must sometimes catch the egg. Then you follow the baby snake to the mother." said an ISD official. He declined to answer on how to catch male snakes. He also joked that the sensors are fire-proof. We most definitely hope so.
In an effort to conceal the identity of the doped matchsticks, ISD has released pictures of the matchboxes which are NOT the doped ones. Teh Straits Times has kindly offered to show one of the pictures released in today’s print edition.
This is NOT a picture of the doped matches.
The ISD also gave further information about ther new contraband cigarette detecting lighters. We look forward to reporting on that.
12 August 2008
Ok, here’s the real stuff, we were doing chem practical today and I came across these matches. Pretty amusing eh?