Something got me thinking yesterday and it really really really got on my mind for a really really really long time. I was having a conversation with Kenny on the MRT on the way back from Bukit Merah.
"Hey did you know that * admires you for standing up for your ideas? You know all that stuff that happened last year?"
"Rubbish, nothing admirable" (I muttered some expletive but I shall not write it down)
"Wha liao, ppl admire you then you call them * "
"Anyway you now got no more balls left. You don’t stand up for anything now."
After leaving the MRT I really went into serious thought. Which is better? Standing up for your thoughts or living in the shadows?
I think everyone knows the reason why I am like this now. Once burnt twice shy. My mouth is sealed. Even during class. I don’t give suggestions. I know that someone will say it. I’ll just let that person have it. Only when nobody knows the answer then will i open my mouth and offer the suggestion. I always answer the question posed by the teacher under my breath. Only my group ppl is able to hear, or sometimes only myself. Only spoke when spoken to. That’s the golden rule. It’s good enough I know the answer. Or when I want to ask a question, it shall not leave my lips. I’ll just ask someone else after class. I’d just make a mental note. A sharp contrast from the person who I am last year.
But is it better to stand up for your thoughts? People will just think that you’re the ultimate stubborn guy and won’t listen to other people’s viewpoint. My thoughts are never mainstream. People like variety, they don’t like the same old stuff. My ideas are not even able to fit into the "variety" category. They belong in the "let’s not bother about it" category. And so what if you manage to push through? What happens when you win? All glory and honour be unto you? No. It’s just that other people give in. It’s never your credit. Perhaps I was too much glory and attention seeking last year that led to my downfall. But I like it down here. Cold, dark and nice.
I again recall a conversation with one of my OG members early last year.
"Have you taken the DISC personality test?"
"What’s your personality?"
"I’m a C-S"
"What??!! I think you’re a high-i lor…"
People don’t know I have alot of masks. Just swap them around when the need arises. Some are more transparent and show the real face behind it. Some are bright and colourful while some are dark and gloomy. But remember one thing. The face behind the masks never changes…And that’s the real me. That ugly, scorched and scarred face. Nobody really knows because my masks are too good. Therefore the change from cheerful, optimistic and happy to dark, realistic and suspicious. I like it down here. Cold, dark and nice. When I take of my mask, nobody can see my face.
There’s no point in standing for your ideas. Let the other clown have his way then have the self-satisfaction that his downfall is imminent. I’d rather let him make the first mistake then I get my way and then fall further. When he falls, I’d make his misery even worse, I’d remind him that there was an alternative to the problem and because he wanted his way he fell. I like it down here. Cold, dark and nice. You can watch others fall and have the comfort that you can never be like them because you’re already at the bottom and have nothing to lose.
Why be optimistic? The world is going towards chaos. Being happy about it isn’t going to turn it back. I’d rather be realistic now. Be a realist and be practical. I see a problem, analyse the problem, evaluate your odds of success. Hope to win prepare to lose. If the problem is solved pat yourself on the back. If the problem beat you, evaluate the reasons for failure and evaluate the odds of success if you attempt to solve it again. Being happy about everything does not help. At least for me. There’s a time for everything. Happiness is a luxury that I cannot afford. I like it down here. Cold, dark and nice. There’s nothing to smile at, only the darkness and cold to embrace.
Well, I like it down here. Cold, dark and nice. Because no one will know you’re there.
The art of Shadow Camping.