Wednesday blues… …Well it’s not really blue but you get what I mean

Yes, another day of sadness and depression. I now wonder whether there is a day or pure joy in the IP. Well, there cannot be joy when there is no hard wrok before it. Haiz, I will be really happy if I get good results for my Bio test. But happiness comes after a lot of hard work. A LOT of hard work. Well, about today, there are a few things that added to my sorrow today. The day started off well. Every day I come to class with a positive outlook, hoping that all will be well but it isn’t. I’m proved wrong most of the time…
During chinese class teacher was giving out the chinese assignment. And guess what 38/100. I knew I was going to fail but nothing can prepare you for the actual thing. My heart sank a little and I didn’t speak for the rest of the class unless spoken to or totally necessary. And then the chinese mock CA paper. 38/65. I passed yay! But everyone around me were getting 40+ and complaining. Okay…they just made my day. I think I’m developing some sort of inferiority complex over here. Sometimes I ask myself," What am I doing here?" "Did I make the right choice?" All sorts of stuff. And I’m seriously doubting my abilities now. I have nothing that can make me stand out. No special talent I possess. And if you think crapping is a talent that is crap. Crap isn’t going to get you anywhere. See, Ahmad and Yin Hong are respected for their artistic skills. Donovan, CK, Zhai Juan and Andrea are respected for their physical ability. The PRCs are respected for their math, science and chinese skills or abilities. Lisabelle and Yi Ning are respected for their command of the English Language. Keith is a Bio King and everyone just seems better. And I’m some small fry of whom no one wants to listen to even when I make announcements.
After Chinese lesson, math was a little better because the relief teacher looked like my Dad. Seriously. Interesting and spooky. Haha, Mr Daniel Ang is going to be my "dad" from now on. Hahaz.
The rest of the day went okay. Just went to relieve some stress by kicking a piece of cardboard hung on top of the lockers. It helps but not much.
Then came CT session. A mass error sweep by Mr Yang. There is nothing wrong with it but I feel very uncomfortable. Mr Yang did the right thing to point out all our mistakes. We can’t sweep them under the carpet forever. But that made my day. Number 1, Guys go cut your hair so that it does not touch the ears and slopes at the back. My hair doesn’t touch the ears but it doesn’t slope at the back. Worst thing is, when Mr  Yang mentioned guys having long hair, everyone just turned and looked at me. WHAT??? Am I some criminal now? Well, it seems that I am the only guy in class that sports longer hair but wth??? Oh well, it pains me to cut my hair. People might not see the logic but everytime I cut my hair, I feel like something is removed from me, and it feels like the barber or hairdresser is plunging that hateful scisscors right into your chest. It hurts. I hate cutting hair and I love my hair. Haiz… …Major depression… …Number 2, Mr Yang criticised the crap board. What’s wrong with it? It helps us to relieve some stress by having a little laugh every day. Does that hurt? And nobody uses that tiny board except Mr Koh. Of whom I clear the crap board for. But no one else uses it. Number 3. The cleaniness of the class is atrocious. And I feel that it’s my fault because I didn’t implement the class duty roster thing. It’s out but I did not implement it. Number 3 made me feel ultra useless. I guess some people are  right. All talk no action. That, I will change today. I don’t care if I become a dictator or what but if something has to be done it will be done. 
What a day for me. Finally the last straw, sailing training cancelled. That little ray of hope that I hang on to (it’s the only thing I’m looking forward to, honestly) is snuffed out. yes… no more sailing training. Feel like punching the wall right now. I have my sailing gloves, it won’t hurt. Just feel like punching the wall. There’s no one around but Yining. If I were alone, I would have broke down in tears…A man never cries but if someone or a series of events come and knock you over the head three times and you can’t get up. You can’t fight back, you can’t do anything. You’re physically bruised, mentally bruised and emotionally bruised. Imagine a scenario when you’re so helpless to a point where you can’t even struggle. That’s when even a real man will break down. I really feel like punching the tears and sadness out. But I can’t. There’s someone here and not in a public place… … I shall do it at home. Hope I feel better. The sadness is unbearable…
And I have come to realise something. Who cares if you have courage, perseverance, determination? Do you have what it takes for the job? Not academically inclined? You’re not going to get anywhere. It’s a cruel world out there and I feel that the only way is to bite back at it. No one is going to see the "innate" qualities that you have. They are only important for getting a pay raise, not for getting the job. That’s it. I have decided to be a fighter. No more drifting around and doing what the world tells me. I’ll fight back. I will fight for what is right. Right till the very end of the age…
Forget about perseverance and all the crap. What we need is a sacrificing spirit. As Yoda says,"We must learn to let go what we hold close to us." Sacrifice is essential. We must give something to gain another of equal value. Learn to let go, for the greater benefit. But we cannot sacrifice all that stand in our way. We would become cold-blooded freaks. But that is half of what I intend to be…
 
Elemental Fighter. For one who has lived in the darkness and in perpetual sorrow and has a broken life as his sword, a broken heart as his shield and shattered dreams as his strength knows no fear.  A force to be reckoned with…
 
I do not crave attention. I just want to let others know that I bite…and that will suffice…
 
PS. I think my tongue is getting shorter. I can’t seem to pronounce "colonialism" properly. What’s going on??? Not only do I have insufficient talents/abilities, am I losing what I can do as well???
Does anyone respect me as the secretary or treasurer? I may be crappy but that doesn’t mean I’m fooling around all the time. Ask the purple team ppl or Jun Han. Ask them how serious I can be when it comes down to work. donovan once asked me,"Thomas, are you EVER serious?" Then, I only smiled. I regret that, I should have said a strong YES. I want the class to know, I am their secretary. I respect them as much as I respect anyone in authority. But what I ask in return is not their loyalty, not their support. But respect. Where does loyalty, support, friendship all come from? It’s respect. All I want from them is just a fraction of what I give to them. When I give an announcement, how many are actually listening. When I make announcement about the class fund. How many actually give me the money the day after? You respect me? Search your heart and you’ll know that you’re lying except a few ppl of whom I know respect me, and I respect them as well. The rest of you…I have nothing else to say. Just this. In sec 2, I was treated like dirt. I have no respect and I have no control over anything, no one appreciates the job the secretary does. People scorn my efforts to help. What I want to say is this: I don’t want this to happen again here in IP now that there’s a change of people. Just give me a little respect okay? And brighten up my life so that I can brighten yours. Who wants a sad and depressed secretary?
 
I pray for guidance from above.
 
My new motto: A force to be reckoned with.
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2 comments on “Wednesday blues… …Well it’s not really blue but you get what I mean

  1. Cynthia says:

    Colonialism is so hard to pronounce.
    Anyway.. CHEEERS !! i dont believe in guys being not given the privillege to cry because crying real helps. but.. "Who cares if you have courage, perseverance, determination? Do you have what it takes for the job? Not academically inclined? You\’re not going to get anywhere. " THIS IS WRONG!
     
    i believe in wat Mr Chad Goh said "We dont want the most talented one, we want the most suitable one". i mean, you dont have to be talented, a great leader. It\’s more of ur attitude. and i promise ppl may feel bs that you are sucha joker cannot be good leader .. but ALOT ppl changed their views and yeah you proved urself to be capable =) and like wat you said .. everyone has a talent, it\’s just not discovered ;p God bless #

  2. Thomas says:

    Yoz, thanks for the encouragement. But regarding the first issue about not being academically inclined, I think it is true. The world is a cruel place and as I said we have to bite back. Which boss will take you in if you say: I have perseverance, courage, willpower etc etc but you don\’t have the skill needed for that job. You\’re not going to get it. In fact, you wil lose the job to someone that has the skill but lacks the other qualities. Consider this statement guys…

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